Learn English by phone

What’s the best way to learn English in China? A short essay in this week’s issue of China Newsweek evaluates some techniques.

English: it’s not an issue if you know it, but if you don’t, then it’s like a stubborn disease, a prick in the heart or a thorn in the flesh that is imperceptible under normal circumstances. But in the uncertain atmosphere of professional advancement or job-hopping, English is definitely on the table. If you don’t have a certificate you’ve got nothing. Forcing out a few sentences in an interview is more painful than constipation.

These days, if you don’t have English, then you can’t even move an inch ahead in your career. But how should you study English? English lectures are overcrowded, training classes are packed to the gills with students, and that colleague who can speak fluently is like a popular new actor, always surrounded by a clutch of people talking with him, hoping for an opportunity to test their skills. In certain contexts, English has practically become a national mission.

A friend of mine works as an editor at a fashion magazine. Her designs are always better than her colleagues, and she ascribes this to the fact that she’s better with “ABCD” than “之乎者也.” Even though this is something of a biased conclusion, I’m more inclined to accept it: it’s never a mistake to improve your English.

I’ve registered for English classes, but the results have unfortunately been minimal. When a group of people who don’t know how to speak get together, they’ll quickly gravitate to what’s easy: they’ll start to talk in Chinese.

When I watch American TV I make a point to avoid shows with outlandish situations, like Prison Break and Lost, because I don’t think that I’m going to become a criminal or get lost on a deserted island. I once thought that if I listened to 300 episodes, even if I didn’t make it to Hollywood I would still be able to “say” a few words of “hello” to foreigners in the Hollywood Café on the corner. Who knew that once I finished watching all ten seasons of Friends, six seasons of Sex in the City, and three seasons of Desperate Housewives, that I’d end up training myself to find pleasure in watching TV without sound.

A friend of mine revealed the secret of studying English: we’ve always treated English as a subject to be studied, or as a skill to be honed, but English is actually a tool for communication; you’ll get astonishing results if you get emotionally involved

That is, at its heart, his idea was that we should all date foreigners. Through flirting and fighting, English will emerge from your mouth as natural as can be. But Cupid’s arrows are blind: when my friend snuck into the cafeteria of the foreign languages university, he ended up on the arm of a Korean girl.

Actually, if you really want to excel in English, there’s no need to pay the price of love. The most important thing, I believe, is to talk to someone who knows English. But where can such a person be found? English tutoring agencies provide this service—one-on-one training with a foreigner—but the price is an obstacle for the salaried class.

So someone had a fairly novel idea. These days, aren’t lots of companies traveling an international road? If you call up an information hot-line, the first sentence you hear will be “Press one for English.” So we’ll press one for English dialogue and then practice English with the operator. And because “this call is being recorded,” the operator can’t ignore you; she’ll have to answer your questions. So, under her patient guidance, you can gradually hone your vocabulary and pronunciation—even if your English is thick with a Shandong accent, or a Beijing tick, or Shanghai flavor, you ought to be able to conceive of yourself as a Yankee from California whose out to occupy some of that operator’s precious youth….and if you’ve dialed an 800-number, you’ll save the toll, too.