Ralph Jennings is a journalist and long time resident of China. He currently lives in Taipei. From mid-2000 to 2006, he had an advice column in the 21st Century weekly newspaper in which he answered letters from thousands of students and young professionals. Below is a letter from the archive, with an introduction by Jennings.
A mother can be trouble enough. She insists on study over play. She’s always hounding the kid to pass some test. She censors dates and mates. But add to that a failure, minor as it may be, that sparks Mom’s sense of do-die-or-be-killed competition: My child must beat others at school and it’s the child’s fault if she falls behind. Cinderella tells the story vividly.
Student letters to a foreign agony uncle
Dear Ralph,
I’m a girl in senior middle school grade two. In junior middle school I did very well in my studies. But when I entered senior middle school I began to taste the bitterness of failing. A girl who was not as good as me in junior middle school surpassed me. I was very sad. My mother often scolded me. She couldn’t understand me. All she knows how to do is scold and satirize me. I can’t stand her, so when I return home I don’t want to talk to her. She never wants to encourage me. When I do a good job, she only says, “Don’t be so proud. Do you think you really did that well? Think of (insert name), she did better than you.” When I do something bad, she says, “What are you doing? Think of (insert name), she is always better than you.” I don’t want to be compared! We are different persons! All she does is reduce my self confidence. I had an open-heart talk with her. But she just said coldly, “When you grow up, you will know that I did good for you. I don’t want you to be proud.” Am I proud? Never. I just want to give myself confidence. You may think she is just strict with me. She isn’t. She never forces me to do anything. She just thought I wasn’t so good, but she never helps me. My mother was my idol. She was beautiful and intelligent. When I was young, I could tell my friends proudly, “My mother is an undergraduate!” But now she has turned into a vulgar woman. I can’t communicate with her. I don’t want to go near her. What should I do?
Cinderella, Shanxi
April 2002