Twenty years later

Shandong-based essayist Zhou Yingjie writes for Hainan Weekly, keeps a column in China Economic Times, and contributes op-eds to a wide range of other publications.

The blog post translated below muses on the changes wrought by two decades:

Twenty years is nothing but a snap of the fingers against China’s three thousand years of recorded history, but for me, it is an eternity.

Twenty years ago, like Lu Xun I was a naive youth, spirited and full of dreams. Twenty years later, not yet an old man, I’ve aged beyond my years.

Twenty years ago, I read Wang Meng’s Long Live Youth and could recite, “Let the days come, let all of the days come!” Twenty years later, that enthusiasm no longer remains, and all of the books and articles I read and write involve the heaviest aspects of Chinese history and culture.

Twenty years ago, I joined that dynamic flood without hesitation, and I once was there shouting at the very forefront. Twenty years later, I finally understand that passion cannot solve everything, and impetuous methods may not be the best way to realize a dream. Love can sometimes be so strong that it does no good for you or for anyone else.

Twenty years ago, I placed my hopes on the future, imagining that the day of exoneration would arrive within twenty-five years. Twenty years later, I am no longer so naive, and I have finally come to understand that they are not the ones to declare exoneration. They are unqualified, and there is no need for us to place our hopes in them. Justice will out, history is not a little girl to be dressed up however you want.

Twenty years of shifting clouds and brooding storms.

Twenty years of hardship and uncertainty.

Twenty years has left me feeling reduced to a total pessimist, or perhaps someone who’s been left in the dust. But I can still see, gasping for air in the gaps of a fractured society, the shadows of those lone warriors, still on the move.

My own strength is sapped, but I cannot but give these brave people my blessings. Perhaps it it as Lu Xun said: “Hope cannot be said to exist, nor can it be said not to exist….where many people pass, a road is made.”

I do not know, so good wishes are all I have now.

Evening, 2009.06.03